December 31, 2021  (Post #65)

(From Journal #9:  August 2, 2007)

I watched a teaching this morning on 1 Peter 3:  Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.  

As he talked about the part where women should be more than their outer adornment, I believe the Holy Spirit gave me revelation about myself (and probably most women) on the whole “weight and beauty” thing.  I’ve got some extra pounds I’ve been wanting to lose, and yet haven’t, so I get into self-loathing and speak negative words over myself.  And the truth is, if I did lose them, I still probably wouldn’t be “happy” with myself.  Why is this?  It’s because most of us women are looking for validation of our value, worth, and desirability based on appearance and weight, and from the wrong sources, including our husbands.

While I know it’s not wrong for wives to want our husbands to find us attractive and affirm us, they can never give us what we need, and it’s wrong of us to put that burden on them or anyone else.  If we give anyone other than You the “power” with their words or actions to determine how we see ourselves, that is sin. We’ve made them an idol and given them first place in our lives.  At the root are fear and pride.  Fear that we’re not good enough; fear of rejection, fear of aging, FEAR, FEAR, FEAR.  And it’s so prideful to be self-focused all the time.  

So, what’s the answer?  YOU!  Only You can give us true affirmation of our worth. You created us in Your image. You love and value us so much that You died for us!  These bodies we are so quick to despise and criticize are the Temple where the Holy Spirit dwells in every believer.  Help me Lord to honor You by how I see my body and take care of it.  I want to be in the best shape possible as an act of worship to You, and not from a place of low self-esteem, vanity, and self-absorption.  True beauty comes from the confidence that can only be projected by someone who knows who they are in Christ Jesus.  

There’s always going to be wrinkles, gray hair, weight gain, shrinking stature, etc., with our natural, aging bodies.  It’s the inner man, our spirits, that never grow old. 

(Genesis 1:27):  So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

(Psalm 139:13-14):  For You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made…

(1 Corinthians 6:19-20):  Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, Who is in you, Whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

(2 Timothy: 1:7):  For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.

September 13, 2021  (Post #63)

(From Journal #9:  April 7, 2007)

As I was driving earlier today, I was listening to a teaching on the radio about “am I ever going to change?”  It was good for me to hear it because there are so many things in my life I need to change, but I cannot.  I need You to change me.  I just pulled over to the side of the road and prayed that today would be the day I turn everything over to you.  The preacher said it won’t happen overnight and not to be self-condemning during the process, but trust the Holy Spirit to convict, teach, and lead me to change and it will happen. 

Here are areas I can identify now.  Each one affects the others. I’m trusting You to show me every area in need of change.

Love Walk:  Help me to love others when they aren’t behaving the way “I” want them to.  I cannot control or change others; how could I when obviously I cannot change myself…?

1 Timothy 1:5 The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.

Control My Tongue:   Too often I still let coarse language out of my mouth.  Too often I am critical of others and of myself.  Controlling my tongue has a direct affect on my love walk too.  

Proverbs 15: 1, 4:  A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life… 

Proverbs 10:19:  When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

Self Control:  I haven’t been able to lose some extra pounds I’ve gained or get into a regular exercise routine.  I usually set unrealistic goals too soon, and when I fail to meet them I get discouraged and give up.  I don’t like exercise, plain and simple.  Help me get to the place where I do enjoy it and am willing to do it.  There are disabled people who would give anything to be able to exercise.  Forgive me, Lord.

Galatians 5:16-17:  So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.  For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.

Galatians 5:22-23:  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 

Productivity:  Too often I just can’t seem to get going and tackle things that need to get done, and then I get down on myself.  I want to be more focused and less distracted by wasteful things like TV, computer, etc. By becoming more focused and organized I’ll have more time for Kingdom purposes.

Proverbs 31:17,27:  She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Sleep:  Help me identify the things that impede and interrupt sleep and give them to You.  I know I need more sleep and better sleep in order to be more productive. 

Proverbs 3:24:  When you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

Psalm 4:8  In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Fear:  I know that fear isn’t from You.  I don’t want the enemy to have an opening to use fear against me in any area:  healing, financial stability, my family’s protection, painting — anything.  I want to give it all to You, and grow in faith and trust.

2 Timothy 1:7:  For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Proverbs 1:33:  …but whoever listens to me will live in safety and be at ease, and will be secure, without fear of harm.

September 27, 2020  (Post #51)

(From Journal #5:  April 20, 2006)

I watched a great teaching yesterday and the woman said something that hit me right between the eyes:  “Fear is an emotional response to unbelief.”  

Unbelief is actually a spiritual thing that produces a physical, natural response:  fear!  When fear attacks, I pray You will help me check myself, and let You show me any areas of unbelief.  For instance, this thing about my heart having some weird symptoms has caused fear.  I know that fear is not of  You.  The enemy uses fear to fuel unbelief.  Wow!  We’re on to him, Lord.

I also see another way that I open myself up for the enemy to attack me with fear.  It’s been several days since I’ve been in my journal.  I have missed You and I know You didn’t go anywhere…  I traveled to see my family and have been busy and distracted.  In other words, I didn’t keep my time in prayer and in the Word as my top priority.  I threw up some hurried verbal prayers, but I have missed my deep written prayers and conversations with you.  They’re a record of our relationship and are priceless.  

Oh Jesus, I cannot live and function without You.  I see what happens to me after about three days and it’s not good.  It affects my temperament and I become impatient with others rather than walking in love.  I catch myself grumbling and complaining rather than having a heart of joy, peace and gratitude.  Forgive me.

You are my rock, my source of everything.  You are faithful when I am not.  I thank You for never leaving me nor forsaking me.

2 Timothy 1:7:  For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

1 Peter 5:7-8:  …casting all your anxiety upon Him, for He cares for you.  Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith…

Psalm 91:1-2:  He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.   I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

May 10, 2020   (Post #39)

(From Journal #3:  December 28, 2005)

Since the ER visit, things have been moving pretty fast. I had a colonoscopy and everything was perfect; thank You, Jesus!  I also saw the oncologist and had yet another CT scan.  But there’s still nothing showing as the cause for the pain in my side?  My lymph nodes haven’t grown back any, but they haven’t shrunk further either.  For this reason, the doctor suggests another round of Rituxan and he scheduled it for January.  This afternoon I see the surgeon again because it appears I have developed a hernia at the surgery sight, so now I have this to deal with too.  

I know I am healed.  I always felt in my spirit that one round of immunotherapy is all that would be needed. What is Your will for me, Lord?  I don’t want to refuse treatment to “prove that I have faith” to others that I believe I’m healed. That would be about me, my pride, and stubbornness. That would be foolish and dangerous and isn’t true faith.  I don’t want to take treatments I don’t really need and risk side effects. But I also don’t want to refuse them out of fear of side effects. Help me make this decision based on faith and wisdom, not from fear, unbelief, or pride.

A few days ago, Pastor Rob emailed to wish us a Merry Christmas.  That opened the door for me to seek his counsel about what to do.  He helped me so much to put the confusion to rest.  You are not the author of confusion. I feel peaceful and confident about treatments.  I’ll take them with the same faith I did before.  This is about my FAITH IN YOU, not faith in my faith…

1 Corinthians 14:33:  For God is not the author of confusion but of peace…”

Philippians 4:6-7:  Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Psalm 32:8:  I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye.